So I left the hospital yesterday afternoon since being here since Tuesday. I left without my Riley. Obviously as ridiculous feeling as it was the first 50 times last year, it is ridiculous again, but I felt like I failed her again. I needed to see Zoey though. None of this is fair to my oldest - she is taking it very well, but I fear for the day she feels ignored or overshadowed by all her younger sisters issues that Mom and Dad need to deal with. This is one of, if not the main reason why we have asked my mother to move in with us - Zoey needs to know that she is loved and cared for and I know that I have failed her in that regards since 10-7-10.
So anyway, I left yesterday and Michele was able to come grab some stuff at home after work for a sleep over with Riley. Last night was a bad night for Riley. After being able to drop back to room air concentration for her O2 yesterday, last night she had to be brought up to 30% again due to her dropping her O2 way down in to the low 70s. She continues to do this when she sleeps. So needless to say Michele and Riley didn't get to much sleep.
Zoey and I had a date night - we had dinner together while we watched Up (good but somewhat sad Pixar movie - SQUIRREL!!!). I brought her home a book from that hospital that they were giving away on space - we are going to get that girl to the moon as she keeps saying she wants to go. We then got ready for bed around 8pm and I had her crawl in to mom and dad's bed and we fell asleep watching the cotton bowl together. It was my best sleep in months - no worrying about Riley breathing through mucus, no Michele snoring, no screaming back pain - just a wonderfully warm and snugly little ball of love next to me. We woke up and did a number of chores around the house - laundry, dishes, cleaning up her play room - and then we danced like prince and princess. Thankfully I was the prince.
Michele came home around noon and I headed down to the hospital to be with Riley. There was an accident on 400 so I was stuck in a horrendous 3.5 mile traffic jam. During this time I realized that any time away from one of my two children and with nothing to occupy my time (like work, which believe it or not has been a wonderful place to occupy my brain) is the worst place for me. I sobbed openly for 10-20 minutes for no reason - crying for the first time since our latest hospital visit started on Tuesday.
When I am with Riley I at least feel as if I can suction her nose out of mucus, or talk with her, or pat her back, or read to her, or show her some letters. When I am home with Zoey, I can be her prince or just a warm body to snuggle with. When I am by myself, I think of all the things I am not doing for my children. I'm not helping them in their struggles of life - which is the saddest thing of all: my youngest I can't actually DO anything for except hang around and ask questions, yet I can't seem to leave her side and this fundamental flaw in my system is causing me to ignore the child that I can DO for - my beautiful Zoey. Who is so full of questions and the want to learn every new thing that I feed her little brain. Or even just a dance with her prince - and yet I can't leave my little broken flower. It is the cruelest fate a father can have thrust upon him - the choice between children. Not between two children calling from different rooms, but between two children living very different lives. How do I choose - it is a daily struggle that I'm sure Michele fights as well. So my choice today is again my smallest child, a choice I make selfishly for my own soul, but I'm sure I will regret many times in the next 12 hours as I am away from my oldest.
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