We are a little less than a week away from the big day and as each day brings us closer, I get just a little bit more anxious. It's hard for me to talk about this (mom I'm talking to you), but I find it easier to write about it. I guess because no one is trying to talk back or interject their own feelings of concern. Today, I have a broken but happy baby. She's just starting to eat, and she coos and communicates with us. Come Friday I will have a repaired (the hospital's term), but in pain baby. I think the idea of my baby being in pain and not being able to do anything about it is what makes me sick to my stomach. How awful for Riley not to be able to express how she is feeling. I only pray that her recovery is not too difficult for her and that she won't remember any of this time. I guess that's also why I feel the need to document this part of her life; so that down the road, we can show Riley just how tough she was, and just how much she has gone through in her short little life.
I am petrified of the actual surgery - no tiny baby should have to be on bypass with their little precious hearts. No tiny baby should have to be intubated for the 2nd time in her life. Just typing this out brings a big lump to my throat and tears to my eyes. And we're the lucky ones, so many other babies have worse conditions and have spent far more time in the CICU than Riley has. Hopefully everything will go smoothly and we'll be bringing our baby home. My heart literally breaks for the families that are not as lucky as we are. We live close to a great hospital and are fortunate enough to have a fantastic team of doctors working to make our baby girl better.
I am quite certain that each day that goes by will be just a little harder for me, and I am also certain that the 4-5 hours that we are waiting in that special surgical waiting room will be some of the worst in my life. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers during this difficult week
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